HIV, Dating, and Relationships

Over six and a half years ago, my partner of over two and a half years gave me HIV. I would be lying to all of you if I said that I did not consider staying with him. There were several thoughts that went through my mind like "How could I disclose my status to a new potential partner?" and "How could someone love me now that I am HIV-positive?" Holding my head up high when I disclose These things, amongst others, were going through my mind then and they still do at times now. I can’t tell you that I have been the most confident person in the world when it comes to disclosing my status, but what I can tell you is that I hold my head up high every time I do disclose. I never saw myself dating anyone again until I knew I was healthy, undetectable, and accepting of myself. How I approach dating and disclosure Dating is already hard on a regular basis. But, adding in the fact that you want to disclose that you are HIV-positive to this potential person can make things even more difficult at times. Hit the reset button With every potential new date or someone I am talking to, I always remind myself that there is a reset button. I make sure to tell myself that if the last person I went on a date with was not okay with my status that the next one may or may not feel the same way. As I said, I make sure I hit the reset button for each person and not hold the new person accountable for what the last person said or did. It helps me from going into the date with my walls already up. Disclose my HIV status before the date I have had relationships with HIV-positive and HIV-negative individuals as well as people who are on PrEP. Regardless of their status or preventative measures that they are taking, dating, in general, can be scary. I can only speak from experience when I say this, but I have never given someone the opportunity to belittle me in any way because of my status. I have walked into every potential date with the other person already knowing my HIV status. In my opinion, I want the other person to be given the choice of whether or not my status is an issue for them. By doing this, I walk into the date more confident in not only myself but in the other person who I chose to go out with. There's no need to rush dating I will say this to you one more time. I am not the most confident person in the world, but what I constantly do is hold my head up high every day. If you are someone who is starting to date or even someone considering to date, then make sure you are confident enough in yourself to know your worth. There is no need to rush into dating if you are not ready. From this point on, no one can depreciate your value. It starts with acceptance not only within yourself but acceptance of your own status. [lead_gen showIfLoggedIn="0" campaign="shortcode_posts" source="site"] It can be so uncomfortable at times. I know that I am holding something in me that wants to kill me, to kill my spouse. I also know that my spouse has accepted this about me, and that use of PrEP and condoms make our lives as safe as possible. But I still feel it. Not always, not even most the time. But sometimes, there it is, like a cloud. Worries in a serostatus relationship It isn't just the fear of contagion, or I could likely make room for that cloud with more ease. It's worries about how long I will live, the meds, and the effects they have upon my already weakened body. It's the concern for "Will I leave my spouse behind with my debts, our pets, (maybe someday) our kids?" These are normal thoughts to have. How do we manage these worries? So what can we, as Poz Peepz, do about these worries? How do we deal with the idea that we have a virus inside, for which the meds also act as a poison and the fear that we will either give our partners this virus or our burdens? There is no single answer. Address anxieties about life and death We can look at things objectively, I suppose. We have this moment, and in it, we are alive. In the next moment, any of many things could happen and any one of us could be dead. Thus, fearing what may come in years when we don't know if we will be alive tomorrow is somewhat futile, though normal for us humans to do. This isn't even about being Poz; anxiety is literally about worrying that something will go wrong in the future, and all humans have anxiety. So, we could accept that in this moment, we are alive and try and let that be enough. But what about when the future does come? Make the most of every moment This is why making the most of moments is so important. If we value each moment or at least any, we are mindful enough to recognize as a moment to be valued, we stand a better chance at seizing that moment. In so doing, we are more likely to choose actions based on our values and on who we want to be. Then, if and when the future moments do come, we are already on a valuable path and there is more likely to be a future that is aligned with our goals. In simple terms, Nicholas? HIV, my relationship, and my partner If I want to enjoy my partner and the life we have together, I have to remember that life is fleeting, and not just my own. In reality, the virus does not increase the likelihood I will die before my partner; it just impacts the likelihood of how, but even then, not much. So many things can happen. Every moment is precious. Focus on loving my partner in the moment When I worry, which I still do, I acknowledge that worrying is normal. But I also choose to accept the reality that my worries aren't helping me in this instance, to instead focus on simply loving my partner in the present, being grateful we are together in this moment. It doesn't make these worries go away completely or forever. But it does take away their power so I can try and be the spouse my partner believes is worthy of facing their own challenges of a serostatus relationship. [lead_gen showIfLoggedIn="0" campaign="shortcode_posts" source="site"],I really don’t remember anything in health class in high school except those nasty pictures of STIs. Woof, I think some of the takeaways were: one, "Be very afraid of sex", "Abstinence is good," "If you’re going to do it, wrap it up," and "Here is a demo of how to put a condom on a banana." "Go forth and multiply." Thinking about this brief six-week education on human sexuality, I wondered how I got by with so little information. [forumDriver id=13697] Sex education from our peers Thinking about the images of sex surrounding our society, it seems like the health teacher also knew that a lot of our sexual education happens amongst our peers. In colleges, public health offices know this. Meaningful peer-to-peer interactions From my own experiences, I got my best sexual health advice from my best friend who was a Peer Educator at Temple University’s HEART program. I got an HIV test from my best friend in college. How could I not be more comfortable? These peer-to-peer interactions are some of the most meaningful and, I think, effective in communicating positive sexual health messages. Stigma surrounding sex and sexuality When thinking about stigma toward LGBTQIA+ and people living with HIV, I feel like I began experiencing stories in middle and high school on a regular basis. These stigmas would come from urban myths and stories, media images, and perceptions of weakness or dirtiness that are passed down by word of mouth. Where does this stigma come from? It seems like most of these tales are communicated in the locker rooms and informal settings. They come from a negative place of posturing or living up to ‘being a man’, in a world with very little examples of what that actually means outside of tired tropes. [poll nexus_id=13955] Shifting sex education But what would happen if, at some point, sex education shifted to a sex-positive viewpoint? Starting with relationships and self-love and then progressing to different forms and expressions of that love. It would be an opportunity to show how relationships and human sexuality are intricately mingled together, complicated, and beautiful. Maybe the intervention happens at home with how we show love to our spouses. It could be in how we show love to our partners in public. Let’s change the perception by accepting the positive aspects of relationships and sexuality that are often overlooked. In a world of competing interpretations, a sex-positive message will stand out in a sea of negative images of sex found in almost every aspect of modern society. [forumDriver id=13863] A sex-positive outlook Using sexual health as a springboard to a sex-positive outlook can start to shift the conversation around stigma as well. I believe that when one is comfortable with their own sexuality and respects the vulnerability that sex calls for, one should be less inclined to judge others. If I love myself, why would I feel the need to put someone else down because of our differences? I believe that pushing for a more positive representation of love, sex, and relationships is needed for all of us to remember that sex can be an act of positive enjoyment and fulfillment. [lead_gen showIfLoggedIn="0" campaign="shortcode_posts" source="site"] When you think of magnets, many different things might come to mind. The main idea is always the same: two things being drawn together by an invisible force. Well, I can tell you - love can work very similarly: two souls drawn to one another by a different, yet much more powerful, force. But this is about more than just objects or people. What is a magnetic couple? In the wide world of HIV, building relationships is always a topic of discussion. Disclosure, PrEP, U=U - there are so many messages to try to bring people living with HIV out of the darkness created by stigma, and into the light of the world of loving relationships. This brings us to the topic of magnetic couples: one living with HIV (the positive side of the magnet) and the other without HIV (the negative side of the magnet). I use the term magnetic for a very powerful reason. Dating, relationships, and important terminology First of all, I despise the term “sero-discordant”. It’s disgustingly stigmatizing. Discord is never a word I want to use to describe my relationships. Sero-different is ok but, from my perspective, there is still a separation. “Magnetic”, however, means now you have something that draws two things together. Two objects. Two souls. But what happens next, after you get over the hurdles that come with building relationships? This is where the word “magnetic” truly finds meaning for me. HIV takes a village and now two souls are walking the same journey. Being part of a magnetic couple A magnetic couple, in many ways, is just like any other couple. You share experiences and challenges, supporting each other. But I can tell you when you are living with HIV, that partnered soul can be the difference between life and death. My partner's presence Having someone next to you when you visit the doctor, take your meds, have your bad days...it is a constant reminder that you are not alone in this anymore. Living with HIV has many, many challenges, and those challenges change from person to person. Having someone that knows those challenges, and takes the time to learn how to help, makes living with HIV much easier. When I was young and internalized stigma really hit me, I was ready to martyr myself to a life of loneliness for the sake of keeping my HIV to myself. Then as I grew out of that, I began experiencing what it feels like to have someone second-guess being with you in a long-term relationship because they don’t see the future in it because of my HIV. Partners in shared journey Finally finding the person I not only connected with but wanted to spend the rest of their life with me gave me more hope than I had ever felt. She has happily joined me on my journey, not just with HIV, but with my advocacy. Thanks to her, we are able to show the world that people living with HIV are able to have healthy, loving, and physical relationships. We are not pulled apart by my HIV, we are given more ways to be drawn together. Two souls, one journey. Are you part of a magnetic couple? Share your experience, get advice from others, and learn how to best support your partner - here! [lead_gen showIfLoggedIn="0" campaign="shortcode_posts" source="site"],I believe that for the majority of individuals in a relationship in this world would prefer to have a healthy one. But what is a healthy relationship? The textbook definition of a healthy relationship would be a relationship that involves things like trust and respect as well as honesty and open communication. To me, that definition is very generalized and does not speak to the many different relationships someone can have. I believe that a healthy relationship shows no imbalances in love or power. What I mean by this is that one person in the relationship does not overpower the other. That one person in the relationship does not hold all of the love which the other may be using to their advantage. Each partner needs to respect one another’s independence but should also learn how to make compromises. If a person cannot make compromises in a relationship, then that is a major red flag. What are relationship red flags? In a relationship, a red flag can be many different things to someone. Red flags are basically warning signs that show some type of behavior that is portrayed as manipulative or unhealthy. A few red flags that I have experienced in my past relationships are things like drinking to much. An ex-partner of mine constantly was going out and getting intoxicated but to the point of getting aggressively drunk. That aggression started to come out even when he was not drinking, which escalated situations in our relationship. These red flags tend to be ignored at first or are not recognized until much later. Ability to compromise Another red flag in a relationship is when one individual does not want to compromise. With all honesty, I believe that when I was younger, I was guilty of doing this and I showed red flags to my partner. I was very immature back then and only wanted to do what I wanted to do. My ex-partner would suggest going to places for fun or to eat and I only agreed to things that I wanted to do. Unfortunately, they were very kind and I took advantage of that back then. This is what I meant earlier by saying that there should not be an imbalance of love in relationships. I knew that my partner at the time cared about me and showed more interest than I did which at times made me take advantage of them. Learning from my past self Currently, I am aware of my mistakes in past relationships and am currently in a healthy one. My partner and I have been together for a few months now and we show each other nothing but love, respect, honesty, and open communication. I have even started to compromise so much more within my relationship by going places and doing things with my partner that he loves to do. I have learned to communicate more about things that I need within my relationship and am no longer afraid to speak my mind and show emotion. The first step to having a healthy relationship is realizing what red flags you have presented in the past and no longer bringing those into your new relationship. [lead_gen showIfLoggedIn="0" campaign="shortcode_posts" source="site"]

HIV, Dating, and Relationships

Finding the Confidence to Date Again

Being in a Serostatus Relationship

Stigma? Accentuate the [Sex] Positive Attitude

My Dating Experience with HIV

Let's 'Clean' House

Magnetic Couples - More Than Just Attraction

A Healthy Relationship

Intimacy and HIV

“It’s Complicated.”

Intimacy of Status

Open with HIV and Relationships